Labels

 L is for Labels

Labels. They’re everywhere. On clothing, on jars, cans, poisons etc. I’m sure you can ramble off a whole list of things that have labels on them in ten seconds. Okay - ready, go!

How many did you come up with?

 

What do you think of when you hear these words?

Rock star… Lawyer… Checkout Chick… Teacher.... Do they conjure up in your mind particular images?

 

Now I’ve just ordered some business cards. I had to choose what labels I was going to have printed on my card; words that would represent me. On my website www.jennywoolsey.com I have quite a list of words that I define myself by so I chose from those.

Now I must say one of the most important words that defines me, is Mum. But did I put that word on my business card? No. Well why didn’t I? Because it’s called a ‘business’ card. I am labelling myself with employment details essentially. And with those labels come expectations. As a blogger there is an expectation that I blog regularly. As a teacher I have an university qualification that says I have the skills to teach. If I wrote plumber on my business card, then there would be an expectation that I had a trade - which I don't. I know nothing about plumbing.

What does your business card say, or if you don’t have one, how do you describe yourself to people who ask you, ‘What do you do?’

In the privacy of your bathroom, or when you stare into your bedroom mirror, what do you see? What do you call yourself? What labels do you give yourself? Fat, ugly, worthless? Look at these ladies – could they be you? What labels do you give other women you see?

Wouldn't it be a better world if we saw the best in other people, not the worst? If we encouraged instead of being critics? If we changed our self-talk from negative words to positive? If we used words such as strong, courageous, kind, smart?

To be able to access support services, children must have a label. For education it’s something like physically impaired, intellectually impaired, speech/language delayed etc. Pediatricians attach labels to children, such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autistic, Dypraxic… the list goes on.

Now there is no denying that having a label is helpful and necessary if your child needs extra assistance. But with these labels come extra invisible labels which are based on the person’s and society’s prejudices and ideas about what that label means.

Have you experienced this yourself?

We have, with all three children, but most prevalently with our youngest, who has the label ‘Down syndrome’. Oh boy, there is so many invisible labels attached to that major label, and I would have to say that they are negative words like, 'won't achieve so we won't make her', 'dumb', 'undervalued', 'annoying'. Now these labels aren't what we've given her. We describe her as, 'cherished', 'valuable', 'able to achieve to full potential', 'talented', 'funny'. 

I know of others who have experienced similar situations. People see a label and they make presumptions which aren't necessarily true. 

I like this quote which says that kids are more than labels. Labels based on the exterior do not delve into a child's heart, their character, their individual nature. I pray for the day where people are not taken on face value. 

 

Maybe we need to stop and think before we label someone negatively.  

Even with whatever people want to label me with, there are so many other sides to me.

Wiz Khalifa

Knowledge

K is for Knowledge

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table in the quietness of the morning. My husband and children are still asleep. It's just me and the dog. I thought I'd been enjoying the serenity BUT the clunking of the ceiling fan and the buzz of the refrigerator are ruining things. They're actually getting on my nerves, like a dripping tap, interrupting my train of thought. I wished I had the knowledge to be able to fix them but I don’t so I'll put up with the annoyance until I call in the experts. 

Have you ever said, 'If I'd known that, I wouldn't.... or I would've....'?

Or have you ever said, 'To my knowledge....'

What do these quotes mean? 

I like this diagram. Starting at the second level; you can have information but unless it has meaning to you, it won't be helpful. For example, you may have information on how to change a car tyre. Maybe a printout off the internet or you've read somewhere what to do and have those steps stored away in your brain. 
If you actually have changed the tyre, the information has become knowledge (the third level) as you have experience. You'll be able to help others and explain any tricks or tips you've learned through you experience. You may even have the highest level - some wisdom. For example you may have done something silly while changing the tyre, and to stop others from having your misfortune, you tell them. 

 

Two days ago we were rear ended at an intersection. Both Joe and I hadn’t been in a car accident before so neither of us knew exactly what we needed to do. A brochure had been dropped in our mailbox a few weeks before on what to do in a car accident and I had briefly skimmed it then thrown it in the bin. From this brochure I had some information stored away in my brain. The other driver was evasive with some of his information and said he didn’t have insurance, and we didn’t know what to do about that. That information wasn't on the brochure! After telling my friends on Facebook those who had been in car accidents were able to tell us that we had done the right thing with what we had written down, and what we could do next time. They had the knowledge that we didn’t have. 

Have you ever thought you had the knowledge to do something, but half way through have realised you didn't?

I must admit that when I started writing two years ago, I thought I knew how to write. I had taught primary children to write basic stories for 25 years, so of course I knew how to write a children's novel. It came as a shock when I found out that yes I had some skills but I needed to do a lot of learning about structure, characters, plot etc. to be able to write a satisfactory publishable story. A little bit of knowledge wasn't enough to do an excellent job. So what did I do? I wanted to succeed at my writing, so I enrolled in some writing courses and joined writing groups to learn and to be around people who had lots of knowledge. Many had wisdom as well.

We are always seeking knowledge when it applies to what we need, or we may gain knowledge because of an interest. I enjoy learning about animals, so I‘ve been watching documentaries on purpose. I am writing a children's book set in ancient Rome, so I am reading and watching videos on Rome.

What are you seeking knowledge about?

 and 

What do you have knowledge about? 

My children have complex medical issues and we go to the hospital where there are experts in the field. We don't take them to the GP who is generalised in her field. When the specialists don't appear to have the knowledge it creates fear in us.

 

Have you ever been in the situation where you feel as if you have more knowledge than the experts? 

This was the situation we found ourselves in last Tuesday when we were discussing eye muscle surgery with the eye surgeon.  We hoped that his indecisiveness was really wisdom and experience coming into play, not just a regurgitation of information he knew. Due to our worry we sought further expertise, our plastic surgeon, who talked to the eye clinic. It was confirmed to us that everything was under control and that the head Professor was taking over the case. We felt better knowing that the expert was involved. 

I have always said, 'knowledge is power'. This is usually said in relation to diagnoses. When Melissa was diagnosed at birth with Crouzon syndrome, I fell in a heap and spiraled into post-natal depression. When Jessica was diagnosed at four weeks with Down syndrome, again I fell in a heap and spiraled into post-natal depression. 

Both times I saw everything as being bad. It took a while to grieve the loss of normality, but I eventually dealt with the information I was given. As this information - the 'labels' attached to my children - turned into knowledge, my attitude changed. This label told me what may or may not happen, it gave me strategies to help the child, and it gave me reasons for why things were happening. With more knowledge and experience, which came with time and going through things, I've been able to help others, so that their journeys are hopefully easier than mine was.

That is why we have support groups in our society. 

I would like to leave you with this final quote by Sylvester Stallone to ponder:

 

 What knowledge can you pass on to someone who needs it?

Judgement

J is for Judgement

Today I read a touching story written by a lady, Suzie. She recounted an outing to the grocery store. The day was cold and her baby Carly kept kicking off her shoes, so Suzie left them off. While shopping Suzie felt she was belittled and spoken to rudely by three people. Before leaving the store, an overtired Carly began to cry, adding to her mother's distress. The heroine of the story was the cashier who cuddled the baby and spoke in a caring way to Suzie.

This is a nice story in the fact that someone helped Suzie, but the fact that the cashier and Carly both had Down syndrome add further to it.

Was Suzie judged? Was the cashier judged?

This is Suzie’s final comment in the article:

‘I interacted with a lot of people at the grocery store. There was a woman who scolded me for not having shoes on Carly on a cold day, (she kicked them off), a clerk who was less than interested in helping me find an item, and an impatient person that shoved past because we were following behind an elderly gentleman that was moving slowly when they were in a hurry.

Some people feel like people with Down syndrome don’t contribute anything meaningful to society, but amidst all the Grinches today, she stood apart. And just being her, she gave us an amazing gift. A smile.”

http://trendingstylist.com/carly-supermarket-gesture/
 

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A Current Affair aired a story about Jordan who has Cerebral Palsy and a speech impairment. The story showed Jordan with his walker, in a city square, asking for directions to the bathroom. It was distressing for me to watch the large number of people who ignored his requests even though they willingly gave directions to his able-bodied mate, Conan.

https://www.facebook.com/jordonsclimb/posts/1042032279181282?fref=nf

The public made judgements about Jordan, maybe even subconsciously, which led them to ignoring him.
 

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Do you pass judgements on people?

I think we’d be deceiving ourselves if we said we don't. Whether it’s over people frittering their money away, those addicted to substances, the lady having an abortion, homeless people, or non-English speaking group talking in their own language instead of English, we often have an opinion, or a judgement, without knowing the story or situation.

It's easy to do.

All five members of my family have been judged - for just being ourselves. 

• Growing up with a facial difference, there was an active presumption that I looked different so I must have an intellectual impairment. I have a Masters degree with honours - so this is definitely untrue. This same judgement is still around today as we've encountered it with Melissa and Nick who are A/B students. Jordan above has said that people presume he has an intellectual disability too which he doesn't. It shouldn't matter whether you do or not, but you are treated differently when the public thinks you do.  
• I've been judged for having children with Crouzon syndrome, when I knew the risk was 50/50 for each pregnancy. Even though it was Joe and my choice and we are the ones raising the children, people still thought they had the right to pass on their opinions to me, in person and on-line. (Social media and YouTube bring out the best and worst in people.) I have a friend in the UK who was on a TV program. He's currently going through this exact same thing, but on a larger scale.   

• Joe and I met on-line, and he came out from the USA to meet me. We were both judged on this way of meeting. Yes it was risky, but it worked.  When Melissa was born, Joe became the stay-at-home carer but we were told by others that men don’t do that. People particularly in the church told us this. Men go to work and women stay home. 

• Our Nick is eleven years old . He's been judged by other children because he likes ‘girl gender’ things. He collects dolls and Shopkins, his favourite colour is pink, he's growing his hair long, and he likes to wear clothes that are bright and colourful. 

• And finally Jessica. Having Down syndrome has meant judgements with a capital J. It's like there's a ground set of abilities that she should have and that's it. The attitude, 'she has Down syndrome... so she won't be able to, or she doesn't have to do...' has seen Jessica actively excluded from activities, instead of being supported so she can be included.

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So what do you do, when you're judged?

You can accept, believe, ignore or challenge. 

Growing up I actively challenged people's presumptions about my intelligence. I became a high achiever, a perfectionist, and an active participant in any activity I thought I'd achieve in. I wanted people to know that they were wrong.

My husband and myself either ignored or challenged people's opinions of our relationship and our family work/life decisions. We lost friends in the process. 

Nick ignores the judgement. He doesn’t care what others think. 

We've had to challenge presumptions made about Jessica. She has strengths and weaknesses, and she also has what we call the 'Jessica factor' - the determination to learn something when she desires to. For example, Jessica wants to ride a regular bike, so she has a regular bike and she's learning. We didn't buy her a disability bike. She wanted to play the drums, so we bought her a real drum kit, not a toy one. She wanted to make her own YouTube video, so we did that. I'm sure you get the idea. 

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Have you accepted, believed, ignored or challenged judgements made against you or a loved one?

If you accept or believe these judgements, they can be soul-destroying. They can lead to anxiety and depression. They can make you question your dignity, your worth, your value. 

If you give in to these judgements you're allowing other people to control you. You should be in control of your life and decisions, not others.

If you need advice, seek it. But then make your own decision and stand by it. 

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Reading above, it might sound like we've only ever been judged, but that is not so. There have been many wonderful people, friends and family, who haven't passed judgements, but instead have supported, encouraged and loved us. Some from my childhood, others newer, but totally accepting and caring. 

A good example of people actively supporting us is what we have experienced with Jessica and our local swimming club. We joined Nick up first. One of the ladies who knows Jess from swim lessons, asked why we hadn't signed her up too. We said because she can't swim well enough (we'd read the rules of joining). She told us that Jess should be coming and they'd have a support person in the water with her, so the swimming ability wasn't an issue. We joined her up, and her accomplishments are celebrated just like the others. 

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Wouldn't it be a much nicer world, if before we opened our mouths to have our five cents worth, we found out the story, or even without knowing the story, we offered support and encouragement? If we showed more love, than criticism? 

I will finish with this quote from the Dalai Lama.