Obstacles

O is for Obstacles

Obstacles, you know, those invisible and invisible road blocks or barriers that hold us back or pose us challenges. They cause us stress, and could even cost us financially or take a toll on our health and well being.

Some examples of obstacles are:

• financial
• health/body related
• time 
• distractions
• conflict
• physical objects
• environmental factors
• fear
• perfectionism
• lack of patience
• lack of focus
• anxiety
• lack of education/knowledge

You get the idea I am sure and probably can think of more.

Have you noticed that some people seem to have more obstacles than others, but everyone experiences them? Can you think of someone who has experienced a large obstacle and can you think of someone who experienced lots of smaller obstacles? I am sure you can. Maybe one of those people is you.

While you're thinking about the obstacles, I want you to turn your mind to how these people reacted to their obstacles and how they dealt with them? If one of the people is you, how did you react and how did you deal with the situation?

Let's say I have a friend, Sarah. She really wants a promotion to help pay off her mortgage but she's put in a couple of applications for vacancies in her department but has not received them. The feelings of rejection have been really hard for her to cope with and she's sick of seeing her more flamboyant colleagues getting more than what she thinks she deserves. Sarah's just found out she missed out on another position she applied for within her department which has added another arrow into her heart, but she's also just been told by a colleague that there is an opening in another department. She is anxious at the thought of moving from her department as she is comfortable there, and she thinks she'll probably receive another rejection which she thinks would send her over the edge of her sanity. What do you think she does?

In this scenario, the obstacle is a combination of not getting promotions, a low self-esteem and anxiety caused by rejection, and a feeling of comfort in her current workplace.

What do you think she does?

Sarah has a couple of options. One, she could stay in her job which she isn't satisfied with and won't help her accomplish her goal of paying off the mortgage more quickly. If you look at the diagram above, that would be sitting in the red spot, her comfort zone. Or second, she could apply for the new job but to do that she would have to pass through the fear zone. These are the obvious two choices she has, but if we think about it, there are probably other things Sarah could do as well. What about approaching the head of her department and having a chat with them to find out why she isn't being promoted, and if it involves personal development or professional development, then she could work on those things. She could go and study something which would improve her chances. She could work on her feelings of rejection and developing her resilience. She could start looking for other jobs while she is in the job she is doing. In the diagram above, these would be in the learning zone.

So many people stay trapped in their red comfort zone. I admit I was one of those. Suffering from anxiety and a low self-esteem I stayed in my safety box. I went for promotions but didn't get them. After getting the 'we've chosen someone else', I'd feel frustrated and rejected and my self-esteem would take a plummet, and I'd crawl back into my safety box. I didn't grow much and my mind stayed fixed. If I even thought about moving from my job to a different one in another place, severe fear and anxiety would envelope me. The psychologist Dweck, calls this a fixed mindset.

Have a watch of these videos:

The above comfort zone diagram and Dweck talk about a growth mindset. I can now proudly say that I have one of those. Since leaving my comfort zone, forced out by severe anxiety and depression, I have been challenging myself and kicking down the obstacles, or finding a way around them. I am not avoiding them, or letting other people solve them for me. Whether these obstacles are mental and psychological ones due to my anxiety and depression, or physical ones due to my visual impairment, I am facing them head on. I have been on a journey to becoming the best version of myself, free of the fears that held me hostage.

If we look at the Growth Zone, you can see it says that if you are in that zone, you have a purpose, you are out living your dreams, you have new goals and you are conquering objectives. I can fully identify with that, as now instead of not doing things because of my obstacles, I am problem-solving, and finding ways to go and do them. If things go wrong, I am trying to stay calm and make rational decisions. It hasn't been easy but each time I achieve something new, I have grown and it has shown me that I can do whatever I put my mind to. There is so much freedom outside of your comfort zone and fixed mindset!

Can you relate?

Which zone or which mindset do you have? Are you stuck in your comfort zone cage or have a fixed mindset? Or are you in the learning zone or the ultimate growth zone?

There are different ways you can approach an obstacle to overcome it. Have a read of this blog post by Jeffrey I. Moore which I found quite helpful:

7 Proven Ways to Overcoming Obstacles

I have my own three tips for you to attack, knock down and overcome your obstacles. They are:

1. Keep calm. When you suffer with anxiety as I do, the first reaction can be a rise in adrenalin in your body causing a thumping heart, sweating and a spinning head, or a panic attack. These reactions are the opposite of calm. What I've needed to do is to stop and stand still, take some deep breaths, do some self-talk and pray. It is impossible to make a rational decision when your brain and body is not in a calm state.  
2. Ask for help. I hate asking for help as I have social anxiety. But I've learnt that if I want to save myself more stress, than it is what I need to do when I am encountering obstacles. Whether it is ringing someone, asking someone, or calling a company who can help you, it's good to ask for help. And I've found most people are more than happy to help you.
3. Plan and do. So you need to make a decision about what you are going to do. Sometimes you may need to do some research first before you can plan.. You may need to talk to someone. You may need to backtrack. But if you are going to overcome an, decisions have to be made and a plan of attack worked out. Once you have made your plan you then need to act upon it. Don't let fear stop you. You can do it!

I want to leave you with a challenge. I'd like you to try and do one thing that challenges you psychologically or physically in the next week. Let me know what it is and how you go. Write a comment below or email me at jenny@jennywoolsey.com

Negativity

N is for Negativity

It is so easy to be negative...

• I will never get that job promotion.
• I am not pretty.
• I am not good enough to date that person.
• The rain is going to ruin our special day.
• I hate maths.

Can you identify with any of these? I sure can. 

But what does negativity achieve? Research shows that a negative attitude can create chronic stress, which upsets the body's hormone balance, depletes the brain chemicals required for happiness, and damages the immune system. The person's lifespan can also decrease

Doesn't sound good does it?!

The opposite to negativity is positivity. So what does positivity achieve? The Mayo Clinic has found that positive thinking reduces the risk of cardiovascular related deaths, it creates less depression and leads to an increased lifespan. Positive thinkers cope better with stress and have a stronger immunity, 

This sounds much better!

So how do we keep our thoughts positive as we go about our day-to-day life, dealing with the ups and downs and stressors.

How can we turn negative thinking into positive thinking?

 .

In my upcoming book I give strategies to encourage positivity in our lives. Let's look at some of them.


1) Have Positive Self-talk

Think about what you see when you look at yourself in the mirror. What do you tell yourself about your body and your character and things that are going on in your life? Are you constantly picking yourself apart? Are you never good enough? Do you tell yourself that you don't deserve happiness? Do you not go for promotions because you don't think you'll get them? The more you say negative things to yourself, the lower your self-esteem sinks, the more likely you are to feel depressed, and you will quickly put up with mediocrity.


If your self-talk is constantly negative, you need to think seriously about changing it. Each day is a blessing and you were put on this earth of a reason.


Start the day with something good about yourself. I came across a meme with five things you should tell yourself each day which I like. This would be great pinned to your mirror. They are:

a.      Today will be my day.

b.      I am the best me there is.

c.       I know that I’m a winner.

d.      I can do it. I know I can.

e.      God will always be with me.


Your day is already going to be more positive by doing this. Continue these positive affirmations throughout the day, and when something happens that threatens to make you think negatively, reframe it...


2) Reframe Your Negative Experiences

Negative experiences are painful. That’s a fact and it’s easy to try and bury them. But if we suppress them when they need to be expressed, they will leak out elsewhere and we will inevidently dump them on innocent people e.g. our husband or wife when we get home, or the driver of the car that cuts in front of us.



I’ve found some self-reflection questions that may be able to help you. At least give them a go! But before you ask yourself these questions it is good to take a deep breath and try to distance your emotion. Our emotions often cloud our logical and honest mind so the calmer and indifferent we are while we’re thinking, the better.

Ask yourself when you've had a negative experience:

1.     What went wrong?
2.     What is really at stake?
3.     What can I learn from this to do differently next time?
4.     Has this experience taught me a lesson? Maybe to be kinder, more generous, wiser, stronger or even that I need to keep on trying and practising so I get better.

If it is failure that is the negative experience then it’s always good to remember that professional sportsmen and musicians need to continually practice. They do hours and hours of swimming laps, or hitting tennis balls or golf balls or tackling etc. So why do we think that everything should come easily to us? Challenge those negative thoughts. Change, ‘I can’t’ to ‘I’m going to give it my best shot.’ And if I do fail, I will get back up and try again.’ It we’re afraid of failure we will never try anything new.



Now I must add here that if you are feeling in a really bad place with your thoughts and can’t see a light, reach out for help. Talk to someone, including your doctor, and surround yourself with positive people and posters. 



3) Don't sweat the small stuff

I heard this saying quite a few years ago and it is something I do. I personally think the small stuff are those every day irritants that can ruffle our feathers and make us angry. Things like:


    ·         We spill the milk all over the floor
    ·         We are stuck in traffic or are cut off in traffic
    ·         Someone takes our parking spot
    ·         Our children are running late for school
    ·         The cat wees on the towels
    ·         We break a favourite plate.

How often do we get angry over a traffic light staying red for a long time, or upset because we burn the dinner, or can't find a matching pair of socks? So many instances of road rage are because people are impatient and can’t control themselves when they are impositioned by another road user. You get the idea. These inconveniences can get under our skin so to speak, but in the scheme of life they are not worth wasting our emotions over. How much better would it be if we put these things in perspective? How about a red light giving us more time to sing?



4) Learn from failure 

I mentioned failure briefly above. Failure can be ego-destroying, it can make us feel stupid or of no worth, and it can change the direction of our life – in a positive or negative way. When we do fail, there are some strategies we can try to maintain a positive attitude.


a. Be Open

Even though most of us hate failure, it is okay to fail. Failure can actually give us valuable lessons from the process. It can educate us. I was watching the morning TV and Boy George was being interviewed about being on The Voice, a singing talent show. He said that failure is education, and I totally agree with him. (I knew it wasn’t just Boy George being different that drew me to him as a teenager!) We can gain wisdom and grow in resilience. It can lead us to change directions in life. This may even lead us to a better place.


b. Welcome failure

Instead of being scared of failure maybe we should turn our attitudes around. If we didn’t fail, how would we ever experience the self-satisfaction and joy of succeeding?

When we fail, we learn. Sometimes we learn what not to do again (like failing in Senior Chemistry showed me I wasn’t going to be a physiotherapist and I should let it go!), and on the other hand we learn what we need to do. We grow and we achieve new understandings. 


c. It helps to make priorities in life

When we fail, as a teenager or an adult, we start to question what we really want in life and if the dreams we have for our future are achievable. Maybe we decide that we need to work harder, or maybe to change directions and try something new. Failure forces us to look at ourselves and think about or identify the things that really matter to us and the things that we value.


d. You can rewrite your goals

If we have a goal and we don’t succeed at it, we can change the goal. Maybe we could make the goal simpler, go a step backwards, or even give ourself a longer period of time. This rewriting of our goals allows us to gain more perspective. We can always say we’re still on the way to success. It’s just a setback.


Relating to my failure of chemistry, my goal changed from wanting to be a physio to either a journalist or teacher.


e. Others have failed too

When I was a teenager and young adult, failure cut me hard. I was a perfectionist and perfectionists don’t fail. Ha! Then as an adult I started to hear stories of people who have had setbacks, or failures, but went on to succeed in that particular area or another.


We all know the story of JK Rowling and the rise of her Harry Potter series. She was rejected by 12 publishers before one said yes. The rest is history.


Henry Ford’s first two companies failed. The first one went bankrupt. And the second one he had to walk away from with only the rights to his name after a big dispute. But it was his third try that really sealed the deal. He was so passionate about his mission that he refused to give up.


Bill Gates suffered failure in his first business but this didn’t discourage him from trying again. He didn’t give up because the sheer notion of business intrigued him. The next company as we all know was Microsoft.


What I came to realize was that many people in history, and around me, have failed numerous times before succeeding. It comes with being human.


f. You begin to look at obstacles differently

With those stories above, I noticed something. All of these people did not throw in the towel after their first setback, or failure. They continued on. Why? Because they were passionate about what it was they wanted, and they grew more determined to see it happen. This is something to think about.


I had a tough first year of teaching. It was a shock coming to the suburbs from a large country town. I’d never had to deal with very naughty children. I struggled with shyness, lack of self-confidence and first year nerves. I worked cooperatively with a colleague but it didn’t work out. I didn’t feel supported by the principal who I felt didn’t like me and made my life difficult. In the end she failed me on my probationary period and I was absolutely devastated. I thought I was a good teacher and the other teachers said so too. The principal told me that I should resign and do a different job. I didn’t want to do something else. I really liked teaching even though it was hard. That principal left and another one transferred in. The new principal liked me and took me under her wing. She believed in me as I had self-belief. She built up my self-confidence which had been totally destroyed and I passed my probationary period the following year. I then went on to teach and nurture hundreds of children.

So to finish, I have an challenge for you. Are you up for it?

I would you to think of 3 negative thoughts you've had lately and I want you to reframe them into positive ones. (And I don't want i am positive that I am going to fail this!)

Let me know how you go.
My email is jenny@jennywoolsey.com  or leave a comment below.

 

Visit Jenny at www.jennywoolsey.com

Misfits Shine!

M is for Misfits Shine!

Have you ever felt like you didn’t fit in?

That no matter what you’ve done to try and be one of the popular kids, it hasn’t worked?

Have you ever felt like a freak or a weirdo?

Do you sit alone at lunch, or you hide in the library.

Do you walk around with your head down, hoping that no one will notice you or pick on you?

What if I told you… this is great?

Why? Because these people – the “outcasts” or “weirdos”, are the ones who are remembered and often go on to achieve great things in life that the other kids don’t.

Lady GaGa, Freddie Mercury, Billie Eilish what do they have in common – yes they all sing. But there is something about them that makes them stand out from others. Whether it is Lady GaGa’s clothes, Freddie Mercury’s unusual face with his overbite, to Billie Eilish’s ghoulish video where ink runs from her eyes. You could say they are all weird in some way.

So, where am I going with this?

Research tells us that suddenly seeing a weird person activates the release of a motivation chemical called Dopamine in our brain. If we have not seen someone like this before our brain identifies it as new information and it is stored in our long-term memory.   

I was born a freak, a weirdo, ‘a deformity’. You see one gene in my DNA decided to change itself, much like an orange becoming a lemon. This change made a dramatic effect. An orange and a lemon are both citrus fruit but they look different don’t they? This cellular change meant my skull and face didn’t develop properly.

Let me briefly  set the picture for you. My skull was too small; my eyes were too big - bulgy, like frogs; my cheekbones flat so basically non-existent, and my lower jaw stuck out like a bull bar. Even my own mother said I was ugly.

And at school I copped names - ‘Googly eyes’, ‘Frankenstein’, ‘Elephant Man’. I was physically hurt and rejected… Outside of school, wherever I went, I was stared out, pointed at, laughed at and made fun of.

In high school we had to old time dancing, and when the PE teacher would say, ‘Gentlemen, choose your partner,’ I would sit there staring at my not-so-secret crush willing him to come to me. I remembered this one occasion when he walked towards me and I was like, ‘Yes he’s going to choose me.’ My heart thumped with excitement. And you know what happened? He stopped at the girl beside me and asked her. My heart broke in that moment.

Now each time it was boy’s choice, I was last or second last, to be left on the chairs. I was covered in Impulse, so it couldn’t be BO, so it had to be my face. And as I progressed around the circle some of the boys would try not to touch me, like this.

I couldn’t fix my face. If I could have been a clown, I would have. At least they got to paint white make up on their face and act out to be laughed out. I got laughed at, and pointed at, for being myself.

Even after I had my face ripped apart by a surgeon and put back together with pieces of rib and hip bone, I still got picked on. 

Are you hearing me?

For my fellow outcasts, I’m going to leave you with something for each letter of the word WEIRDO:

Work hard (at being the best version of yourself you can be. Shower, wear deodorant, brush your hair, go to class, and do your schoolwork). 

Educate others and don’t be ashamed of yourself (If you have a disability explain it to others. For example, Billy Eilish was trolled for her tics, so she came out and told people she has Tourettes.) 

Ignore and block the haters (not everyone will like you, so don’t give them the time of day or your emotions) and don’t compare yourself to others. You are unique. A limited edition.

Reach out. You are worthy and you are valuable. And if you need help, ask someone to help you. A teacher, a parent, a doctor, a friend. If they don’t help you, ask someone else. 

Develop your gifts, talents, passions and interests. They will help you to find friends, have fun and put you in good stead for life after school. 

AND FINALLY…

Own your uniqueness. Be proud of yourself, your achievements, and the inner determination you have, to get up each day, to face the world. 

Find out more about Misfits Shine! at www.jennywoolsey.com

Launch

L is for Launch

On Saturday 23 February, 2019, I launched and celebrated the two children's noels I had published in 2018. Daniel Barker: By Power or Blight, and, Amy and Phoenix.

It was a wonderful afternoon with approximately 40 guests attending. My guests were representative of the different areas of my life - family, old and new friends, from the three writing groups I am in, church, school, and two politicians who I have spent time talking to about my theme which is difference, diversity and diability and who always been supportive of my endeavours.

I facilitated the Moreton Bay Region Local Writer Meet and Greet beforehand and ran a workshop on writer goal setting for 2019, which was successful. At the conclusion of the meet and greet it was time to set up for the book launch.

I held my double launch in the Pine Rivers Art Gallery which is a beautiful setting with the paintings and other artworks. My previous two book launches were held in local parks. I wanted something different for this one, and the art gallery was perfect.

If you have a book nearly at completion, it is time to start planning the launch. There are many things you need to think about - it could be seen as a much smaller scale wedding or like a significant birthday party. So here are my top tips for a successful book launch

1. Decide on the date

If you are traditionally published you will be given a date that the book will be released. If you are independently published you will have an approximate date you think your book will be printed and ready to go. Even if you are traditionally published, you will most likely have to organise your own launch.

When making the date there are some things to think about:

• What other activities are on at the same time? Will your friends and loved ones be able to come or are there a lot of other conflicting events on the same day?
•  If you would like your book launch put in your local council’s newsletter you will probably need to get that date to them six months in advance.
• If you need to book a venue, you will need to allow time to be able to negotiate this with them. They may not be able to do your first date. 
•  Make the book launch at least a month away (many say three months is better) so you can advertise and promote your book.  

 

2.  Choose the venue

     Where do you want to hold your book launch? There is no prescribed place. Many people hold their launches in bookshops or libraries, but you do not have to. I have held my book launches in two different parks and the local art gallery. I’ve had other friends hold their launches at sports clubs and in community halls. Do what you want to do. 
 

Some things to think about before you book your venue:

• The cost of the venue. If you are hiring a room in a library or a community hall, sports club venue etc.  you will need to pay.
• The weather. If you are outside, what will you do if the weather is inclement?
• Is the venue near public transport? You need to consider people who are unable to drive. All of my book launches have been near the train line.
• What facilities does the venue have? If you are at a park, are there toilets? Also, if you are at the park, what do you do for hot water etc.? If you are at the park you will also have the added furniture - gazebo, tables and chairs.

3. Send out your invitations

If your venue has a limit of the number of people it can hold, you will need a guest list or a ticketed event. Invite people from all the different areas of your life. On Saturday I had family, and friends from my three writing groups, school, church, my childhood and my community. If you don’t have a limit, invite everyone who you think might be interested in attending. 

After saying this, if you invite a large number of people, expect a large number of apologies. People are crazy busy and some people will just not want to attend. I had 70 apologies, and 40 people attended, and others who did not RSVP. Keep positive when all of those ‘I’m sorry I can’t make it…’ start coming in. Look at the people who do come and enjoy your celebration with them. 

   

    4. Marketing

A book launch is really a part of your marketing plan. Put your book launch on all of your social media platforms. Add snippets from your planning process, glimpses of your book and what it is about, and if you are able, make a promo video. It is a great idea to contact your local newspaper and ask if they would be interested in doing a story on you. In some instances, you may need to write a press release to send to media.

5. Plan your day 

Like a wedding, you will need to have a To Do list, and a program for the day. Think about everything you will need depending on what you want to do in your book launch. Some people like to do a book reading, have art and craft activities, dress-ups for the children, prizes, pantomimes, or have puppets. Think about yourself, the book you are launching, and how you can make it unique in some way. Don’t try and replicate someone else’s but by all means take ideas from others you have seen and like.
 

The basics:

• A banner
• Flyers, business cards, bookmarks
• Books (pre-sign to save time) and a pen
• A float/credit card facility (organise a person to handle the money for you on the day so you are free to just sign the books and chat)
• Decorations
• A cake & knife, tablecloth
• Food & drinks (plates, cups etc)
• Your speech
• Public liability insurance (check with venue)
• You must have some type of speech. Your guests will be in awe of you. Many people would love to write a book but will never. You have! Make sure you explain a little about your book, or read some of it (if it is a picture book then read it all) so they know what it is about, and say anything else that you think would interest your guests. You can have someone interview you, or you can tell a story and then relate it to your book, act out a play… whatever you are comfortable doing. Write a list of who you would like to thank in case you forget someone. Even though writing is a solidary activity, there will be people who helped or supported you, encouraged you or have influenced you in your journey. And if you forget someone who is present, go to them and apologise (I did this on Saturday!) I also suggest that if you suffer from anxiety, practise your speech beforehand.

6. Post about it afterwards

You’ll be exhausted afterwards, but this is not the end. You need to post on social media photos from the event and tell your followers how they can support you – by purchasing your books, posting reviews and telling people about you. 

Then it’s time to get on with more writing!

 To find out more about my children's novels, go to my website at www.jennywoolsey.com