Tuesday, 26 June 2018

Fear


F is for Fear

I think I could safely say that the majority of people have at least one fear. Something that makes their heart race, makes them sweat or makes them scream or run away. An example would be of public speaking, meeting new people or heights. Some fears are imagined such as a fear of rejection or of failure. When fears are paralyzing and irrational, they are known as phobias. Phobias can include but are not limited to, a severe fear of spiders, dogs, small spaces, or crowds.

What is your fear?

When I was a child I had a fear of the bogeyman. I hated being left in the dark, and I even hated hide-and-seek as I didn't feel safe. My grandparents lived next door and I would try to be home before dark, but if I did leave after dark, I would sprint home. It was an irrational fear. As I grew I knew there was no bogeyman, but this fear morphed into the fear of burglars breaking into my family house when I was home alone at night time when my parents and my brothers were out. I would lock myself in my bedroom, or if I had to leave my bedroom, I would cautiously peek out the windows into the dark outside. My fear was so great that I had convinced myself that one day there would be a face peering back through the window at me. I don't know why I had this fear, or what was the trigger. I thankfully have outgrown this.


So why did I outgrow this fear? I guess because I developed my rational brain. I kept telling myself until I believed it, that there was a very slim chance a burglar was outside. I still locked the doors because that is just a sensible safety measure, but I no longer cowered in my bedroom. And I must admit, having a dog also helped!

Another fear I've had since childhood is a fear of meeting new people... looking back it was social anxiety. Extreme shyness and wondering what people were thinking of me, particularly before I'd had my final craniofacial surgery, plagued me. I think I had a pretty good reason to feel that way. The problem was that this fear had become so engrained that it didn't want to leave me, and through my adult life I have battled it. Even now, there are times when I find meeting new people hard. But as I age, I have become determined to overcome it. I want to be free to strike up a conversation with a stranger without a knot in my stomach. To do this, I've had to do some self-talk. I've had to tell myself that they are not judging me by how I look, just as I do not judge them on how they look. I have also taught myself some open questions that I can ask when having a conversation, to alleviate that awkward moment after saying hello. And I have the self-belief that I can do it.


Have you overcome a fear? If so, how did you do it?
 
I like this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. It sums up what I did with my own fear:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." 

Having faith in God has also enabled me to face my fears. The knowledge that the God of the universe loves me and wants me to live a life without fear, and to live a life of inner peace, has helped me to overcome them. If God is for me and protecting me, why should I spend my life in fear?

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. 
Psalm 46: 1-2 




I did some research and I found the following strategies for overcoming fear. I like them and I hope they help you.

Strategies for Overcoming Fear

  1. Acknowledge the fear. Whether it's imagined or real, the first step in overcoming fear is to admit that it exists. We all have fears; it's human nature. Denying or ignoring them doesn't make them go away.

  2. Analyze it. Where does it come from? Is it real or imagined? Can it be put in a different context? For instance, if you think it through to its logical conclusion, what's the worst that can happen to you? Once you've determined what that might be, ask yourself if you can deal with, or overcome it. More often than not, once you go through the process of analyzing it, the fear isn't as scary as you originally imagined.

  3. Face it. Allow yourself to feel it, and then do it anyway. Act in spite of your fear and treat is as a challenge for personal growth and an opportunity to become stronger.

  4. Be persistent. Do the thing you fear over and over again. By doing it repeatedly it loses its power over you and you become less vulnerable to it.

  5. Develop courage. Sometimes the answer may not be to conquer a particular fear; it may be to develop courage. If you focus too much on any one fear instead of trying to build courage, you may in fact, intensify it. By developing courage you build self-confidence and resilience. You also build a healthy approach towards facing all fear.
 https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/overcomingfear.html



 I wish for you to be free of your fears so you can live your life to the fullest and at peace.




Sunday, 29 April 2018

Empathy


E is for Empathy

I have a question for you. Do you know the difference between empathy and sympathy? Two very similarly spelled words. Two words that are commonly used incorrectly.

Just to clarify the difference up, we'll begin this blog post with a grammar lesson.The dictionary definition of empathy is:

  • the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

The definition of sympathy is:

  • feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

In my google search I found this quote, which I think explains the difference well:

The ability to feel sympathy for others is a great part of what makes us human, and it's what compels us to reach out and offer help. So have sympathy for people who confuse this word with empathy — they're awfully close in meaning. Feeling sympathy means you feel sorry for someone's situation, even if you've never been there yourself. Empathy is when you truly understand and can feel what another person is going through.
https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/sympathy



Here is another great example:

Empathy is heartbreaking — you experience other people's pain and joy. Sympathy is easier because you just have to feel sorry for someone. Send a sympathy card if someone's cat died; feel empathy if your cat died, too.
https://www.vocabulary.com/articles/chooseyourwords/empathy-sympathy/


So why am I focussing on this topic? Was it the only e word I could think of? Well, to be truthful the word immediately came to me, but empathy is something close to my heart. I roam in so many different circles in the world in a medical sense and a family sense, that I understand what many people are going through.

I can't just give my attention to one cause, as many people are able to do, because I do deal with a multitude of issues. For example, Crouzon syndrome (craniofacial syndrome), hydrocephalus, Chiari malformation (spinal issues), Down syndrome, heart defect, mental illness, bullying, domestic violence, inclusive education, Coeliac disease, visual impairment, osteoarthritis, multiple miscarriages, financial difficulties, family dysfunction. .. and if I keep thinking there would be more. I often joke that I don't live in this world, my body is here but I actually reside in my alternate universe. I say this as I often feel alien to what other 'normal' people go through.

People from all over the world message me about their situations, and I know why. I take the time to listen to them and share my walk with them. I offer advice if they request it. People know that I do truly understand what they are going through. I have an arrow in my back, just like they do!



So what if you want to feel empathy but you haven't experienced what someone else is going through? I genuinely think it is possible. Maybe you have been through a similar situation, or someone else you know has, or you have been through something that had a similar outcome. For example, someone may have lost their job and had to sell their house. That may not have happened to you, but you've had financial difficulties where you've had to watch every cent and you feared to lose your house.  Maybe you know someone going through IVF. and has miscarried. Now you may not have gone through IVF, but you know how hard the process is, and you yourself have miscarried and know the grief that comes with losing your baby.

 I found this infographic which I think explains how we can show empathy:


Showing empathy is trying to imagine what the other person is going through, and endeavouring to see their world how it is. You may not agree with the choices they've made or the circumstances they are in, but you cannot be empathetic if you are being judgemental. The person is a fellow human being and they are hurting. Talk to them and find out what they are feeling and actively listen to them. Ask questions but don't offer advice unless they request it.

You cannot ease another person's grief - it is a process they need to work through. You may be able to give some short-term solutions, but generally, the person will need to work their situation and deal with whatever that means.



Most human beings want to feel connected with other people. They want to know that other people understand or will try to understand their situation. Unfortunately, so many people are so preoccupied with their own lives that they often don't reach out to show empathy to others.

My challenge for you is to reach out to someone today who is hurting. You may just be the blessing they need.

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Down Syndrome



D is for Down Syndrome

Last year I wrote a reflective piece about my daughter Jessica, for Down Syndrome Australia. As tomorrow is World Down Syndrome Day, I thought I would share it again in this blog.

***

“I think your baby has Down syndrome. Why haven’t you been told already?” said the frank geneticist when we took our one-month-old daughter for diagnosis. Shock, like a cattle prod slammed to my forehead, shot through me. The vision of her slanted eyes I had noticed when she was born, zoomed around my brain. I felt numb. I had known there was something not quite right with Jessica – she slept way too much and had feeding problems – but no one we had seen for help had mentioned Down syndrome.

The paediatrician at her birth had directed us to the geneticist who we were seeing due to another family genetic syndrome. The wait to hear what the blood test revealed was excruciating. My reaction to the ‘positive to Trisomy 21’ news was horrific. I didn’t want to look at my baby or touch my baby. I spiralled down into post-natal depression and I was filled with fear. I couldn’t see a bright future for my daughter, and the “I’m sorry” from well-meaning friends didn’t help the situation.

My strong feelings made no sense to me. I knew absolutely no one with Down syndrome. Somehow, somewhere during my life, I had picked up that Down syndrome was a really terrible thing for my child to be born with, and for my family to have to deal with.

Now, nine years on, I wish I could go back in time and talk to the terrified mummy I was. I would softly tell myself – it is going to be okay. There is nothing to be scared of. Your daughter will develop her milestones, she will talk and sing, she will have friends, she will love swimming, she will go to mainstream school and be involved in extra-curricular activities, she will have her own personality and talents, she will have a vivid imagination, she will learn independent life skills, and she will bring much joy to your family and others around you. You will love her, cry over her achievements, advocate for her fiercely and she will be a light in the world. It will not always be easy, but that is a typical life. Your beautiful daughter will show the world that having Down syndrome is just one part of her, it does not define her.

(Jessica is now ten).

***

Today I saw in my Facebook memories, a youtube video I had made when Jessica was 5 years old. I thought I'd share that too. 



***
A final thought... There is still a long way to go before people with Down syndrome are fully accepted as valued human beings. There is prejudice in a lot of people's hearts and many neotypical children see their peers with Down syndrome as weird or different. As adults we must show children that they need to be kind to others who are not like themselves, reach out to these other children and extend a hand of friendship. From my personal perspective, all Jessica wants is to be accepted, to have friends and for people to be nice to her.





Friday, 19 January 2018

Challenge


C is for Challenge

It is now the third week into January of 2018,  I've been busy this last week making sure my children have everything they need for starting back at school next week. My eldest is beginning her final year of high school and my youngest, her final year of primary school... both major milestones.

Now I can guarantee with 100% certainty, that this year will present challenges to myself, my family and to you. Why? Because challenges and struggles are a part of life. No one escapes them.

I've already been thrown challenges with my husband having a fall before Christmas and not being to help around the house like he was able to do. It hasn't been easy, and I could have crumbled under the added pressurese. I haven't has I have made a conscious decision to accept what is and rise up, with a positive attitude. I know I can conquer and cope with the extra work I've had to do.

Have you recently been presented with challenges, and if so, how are you coping with them?

 

I love my comfort zone. I love staying where I feel safe and secure. As a sufferer of anxiety, my comfort zone helps keep my anxiety at bay. But, in many ways it feeds it, as staying in my comfort zone has not pushed me out into experiencing new things, and expanding myself. It is since leaving my comfort zone, which I was forced to do by work circumstances, and facing new challenges, that I have become more confident and am finding it so much easiest to cope with change and problems.

Challenges of Life

Smooth roads never make good drivers
Smooth seas never make good sailors
Clear skies never makes good pilots.
Problem and hassle free life never makes a strong person
Be strong enough to accept the challenges of life
Don't ask life, "Why Me? Instead say "Try Me!"
Author: Unknown

This is an interesting saying, isn't it? Don't limit your challenges... challenge your limits. It sounds like a new year's resolution. I personally don't make resolutions, but I know many people do. Instead of resolutions, I make monthly goals. These are usually related to my writing. I plan out my weeks and prioritise my jobs. And as well as having my goals, I try to limit the junk food and do some exercise. Of course, there is always room for improvement. 

Did you make a new year's resolution? Have you kept it or have you broken it already?

As part of my goals for the year, I will be challenging my limits. I know I am shy and find it hard to talk to people I don't know. This is something I will be working on this year. I want to run writing workshops and have already started to take steps towards doing that. I have fear of the unknown, but how does something become known unless it is attempted? When opportunities present themselves this year, I will not say to myself, 'You're not good enough'. Instead I will say, 'You can do it!' 

I am aiming now to embrace change this year.  Are you planning on too?

I went looking for some tips for coping with challenges, and I found the ones below. I think there is some wisdom in them.

1. Don’t overreact- Overreacting to a problem will cause you to make bad decisions. When we are not in control of our emotions, we will make decisions that we will regret later. Next time you are faced with a challenge, become the watcher of your thoughts and stay calm so you can make smarter decisions.
2. Accept present moment reality- Accept the way things are and the way people are. You have to understand that not everything is going to be the way you want it to be. If you cannot accept reality you will feel very frustrated with your life. Many people will try to change someone or something that they cannot control, and when it doesn’t work out for them they feel miserable. Once you can accept reality (including the challenges that you are faced with), you will be able to be more calm and think more clearly about how to get a step further towards your goals every day.
3. Don’t blame others- Many people make a habit of blaming others for all their problems. They fail to take full responsibility for the decisions they have made in life. The more you blame others with the challenges you are faced with, the more you will make people dislike you and not want to be around you. The first thing you want to do when faced with a personal challenge is not to start pointing fingers at others.
4. Practice detachment- Make a habit of detaching yourself from any outcome. Detachment means that you are not attached to any given result in life.  I remember in the past when I did public speaking and got really nervous. The reason I was fearful of public speaking was because I was too caught up thinking about what the audience was thinking of me. The fact is that there are some people that are not going to like what you say and others who may like what you have to say, therefore your job is to accept the way people are and not get worked up emotionally and mentally over someone not liking you. When you start practicing detachment, many of your fears and insecurities will disappear.
5. Don’t overanalyze- When you think too much about a situation or event that occurred, you will start to judge everything and everyone. When you think too much you will have a very tough time accepting reality and you will think that something is not right. Overanalyzing can also cause you to not take action on your goal, which can make you really frustrated in the long run.
6. Accept “changes’ in your life- You will have to deal with changes in life all the time. Many people don’t like change and they resist it because it gets them outside of their comfort zone.  You may be unhappy or happy at certain times; however you have to realize that those two states are not permanent. You have to train your mind to be at peace at all times regardless of the emotional state you experiencing.
7. Don’t compare your lifestyle with others- I know it is really difficult not to compare ourselves with other people, however the more often we do that, the more frustrated we will feel. There will be people that may have accomplished more than you. The key thing to remember is that you create your own story and success in life.
https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2011/10/24/ways-to-deal-with-challenges/

I pray that you will face any challenges that come your way this year.

 www.jennywoolsey.com